i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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