so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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