Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
do herpes really smell.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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