even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
