dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
