at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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