This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
