Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
