i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
