I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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