Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
