If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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