I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
