It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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