that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
