I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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