i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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