I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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