my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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