My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
