There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
