Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
