Screwed.edu
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
