i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
