then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
