Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
