I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
