Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
