I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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