dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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