I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
