Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
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