well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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