I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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