I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
