I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
