I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
