the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I intend to get homeless drunk
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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