You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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