??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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