I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
