Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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