I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
