i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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