Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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