Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
