it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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