but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
