How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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