Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
vagina is talking i cant
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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