i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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