just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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