haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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